Indigenous: Worst. Monster. Ever 

Title: Indigenous 

Release Date: January 1, 2017

Plot Summary: Six twenty something college kids go to Panama for break and travel to a dangerous location despite warnings from a local. A chupacabra proceeds to slowly kill most of them off screen. Partying, surfing, and dull, boring dialogue pad the rest of the film out. 

Review: This film is about as fun as a sunburn and Spring Break hangover combined. Dull plot. Dull characters. Pointless decisions. And a creature that can’t be assed to show up and kill someone until 39 minutes in (off screen I might add).Yeah, pacing was not this film’s friend and padding via dialouge and partying take up the first 30 minutes of this thing.

Hope You Don’t Mind These Boring Bastards, Cause You’re Stuck With Them.

Not helping is how dull everyone is in this thing. No one can act to save their lives, and have one character trait to their name. Main guy is a surfer and having money issues. His girlfriend is a vet. Their friends include two more surf bros and a programming girl and restaurant owner. Elena ( our restauranteur) is dating surf bro 1 (a.k.a Charlie) and having relationship issues. Along with these two are a local girl who takes an interest in surf bro 2 and the local superstitious guy. 

Hurry Up And Kill These People!!

Local girl, blinded by her love for the most boring surf dude on earth, takes the group to a sacred location, where our bloodsucking friend resides. Not that a bunch of idiots is enough to get his ass in gear. ( He may as well have his thumb up his ass as much as he does.) He also sucks at killing them, as three of the group are still alive by the end of this thing. You don’t even see the thing until 56 minutes in of this hour 25 minute mess.

You’re Gonna Need Beer To Find This Scary.

Why would anyone go here? Because plot. Main guy even sees a video of this thing killing people and reads articles about how its been doing so for years. Local superstitious guy is the only one who makes sense in this thing, as he warns them off and attempts to rescue them once he finds where they went. Mind you, he takes his sweet time doing so, but the thought is there. 

Julio: Should I Do Something? Ehh They’re Fine.

Is the gore any good? A creature feature lives or dies by its gore after all. Hahaha. Hell no. All of the kills are off screen. The closest you get to gore of any sort is when the creature eats someone in a cave. The only visible injuring of one character is caused by her own stupidity,as she injures her leg while running. 

Whine. Bitch. Argue. Nothing New Here.

This thing then ends as it began. Utterly pointless, and repeating the same footage for the fifth fucking time ( no film needs this much padding.) You could easily fast forward thirty minutes in and lose nothing. Or take a bathroom break without pausing. 

You Utterly Lazy Bastard.

Highlights: The creature design is nice and the scenery is beautiful. But this can’t make up for piss poor acting and a meandering plot full of padding. 

Recommendations: Unless you have a bunch a friends and booze, skip this one. Or at the very least skip the first thirty minutes. 

This film has gotten me in the mood for a slightly sexier bloodsucker. Until next week dear readers.

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