Hellraiser Revelations: URGHH. Why. Was. This. Made?

Title: Hellraiser Revelations

Release Date: October 18, 2011

Plot: Two dude bros go to Mexico, find the puzzle box, summon Pinhead and disappear. Later, their family gets involved in boring bullshit, thanks to one of them opening the puzzle box. 

Review: Sweet. Mother. Of. Fuck. This movie was bad. The Hellraiser series was nine films in at this point, but even the previous sequels weren’t full of this much boring  nonsense. Before I tear into this thing like so many hooks, however I need to cover the back story of this one. 

I can only wish I was watching the first one.

This film, my dear readers, is an ashcan film. What is an ashcan film? An ashcan film is made purely so a studio can keep the rights to a franchise. These tend to be horrid all around, with scripts pulled out of the nearest ass, editing being nonexistent, and acting that would make a bad soap opera look like an Oscar winner. When even the creator of the franchise is disowning the thing, you know you have a shit heap on your hands. 

Yes. This is his official tweet on the matter. I love this man.

Hurting this thing even more, is a lack of Doug Bradley, who horror fans will know as Pinhead. Bradley, after reading the script, declined to return for this film ( not that I blame him). This script, whose ink had barely dried, along with the crunched shooting schedule and low budget drove away its only potentialy redeeming factor. Instead, we’re stuck with this thing..

He Looks Like Pinhead’s Lame Cousin…

Compare that to this..

Save Us, Doug Bradley!

And the difference is all too clear. Bradley’s portrayal of Pinhead represents what the cenobites are all about: a combination of pain and pleasure and a willingness to bargain. What we get here is a bland performance that diminishes the menace and appeal of the character. 

Enough of that,onto our… I guess you could call it a plot. Two dude bros, whose names I can’t be assed to remember, are on their way to mexico. Nico (Jay Gillespie) is the ringleader, whereas Steven (Nick  Eversman) defaults to either angsty teen or shock.  

I Would Make That Face Too If I Was In This Thing.

After watching pointless handheld camera footage, (the cheap man’s choice of film style) we get to the rest of the cast: dad guy, mom, friend couple, and girlfriend. As much as they do, they may as well have been nameless. Girlfriend acts stupid because plot, and plays with the puzzle box, summoning Steven ( really Nico in disguise) and causing dinner to be ruined. 

The Puzzle Box ( Or Lament Configuration)

More pointless shit happens, Nico reveals himself and goes nuts, and the cenobites are summoned. Do we get a big entrance to signify how serious a threat they are? Hell, no. All throughout the film Pinhead’s lame cousin has been meandering about doing fuck  all, so any tension is gone well before the final showdown. 

Come Back To Us Doug Bradley.. I Miss You.

Gore, death, and more bullshit happens, and then this hour fifteen minute thing is over. I say hour fifteen, but it feels like an eternity to watch the thing.  

Highlights: Despite the low budget, the gore effects are on par with the rest of the series, even if Pinhead is a bit off looking. That’s all I got. 

The Expression Of Everyone Who Worked On This Thing: Utter Confusion.

Recommendations: Yeah, unless you’re a diehard Hellraiser fan, I wouldn’t watch this. Even then, I don’t think they would find much here either. Stay away, and feel free to skip this one. 

Next week we return to James Wan’s work. After this fucking thing, I need a palate cleanser and drink. 

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