Satanic: Levay Would Have a Field Day…

Title: Satanic

Release Date: July 1st, 2016 (This thing had a theatrical release…albeit limited)

Plot Summary: Four college aged idiots stop for a “Satanic Panic” tour in Los Angeles on their way to Coachella. They pick up a strange girl they see at a Satanic ritual (a ritual they snuck into uninvited) and weird shit happens. What a surprise. To the relief of anyone who had to watch this, they all die. Spoilers.

Review: Ohh boy, where to start with this one. Characters? Our four “lovely” characters are nice girl Chloe (Sarah Hyland), her jerk jock boyfriend David (Steven Krueger), her edgy , occult obsessed cousin Elise(Clara Mamet), and her boyfriend Seth (Justin Cho).

I question if these can even be called characters, as they only have one personality trait. What is said trait? Look at my previous description of them, that’s it. Well, Seth has an extremely punch able face and has had too much Red bull/crack, but beyond that, nothing. We need someone to actually care about following and not want to die. This isn’t going the route of Hostel (asshole characters get killed, we cheer), we’re meant to feel sorry for them as they get picked off. But I’m forgetting someone: Alice, sweet Alice ( Sophie Dalah).

satanic_jpg_crop_cq5dam_web_1280_1280_jpeg
You can trust this crazy, crazy face…

Alice is deep into occult weirdness. As such, she serves as the mystic, vaguely threatening bullshit spouter for the film. She also serves as the catalyst for the mess (thanks to Chloe picking up the idiot ball and insisting they take her in.) Her actress was the only one turning in a good performance, in comparison to the here-for-the-paycheck acting of everyone else.

The story is cliched and could have worked, had they actually put effort into it. The writer of this mess was the writer for The Shallows, a decent film from what I found. This was written the same year. Clearly he was out of fucks to give.

I’m apt to blame the director for this mess as well. None of the actors involved, except Seth’s, have been in many movies. Most of them are tv actors and this is the directors first film as well. He should stick to tv… No one knows what to do, besides yell at each other and emotions are non-existent.

There are, however, some good thing here. Some.

modern-family-star-sarah-hyland-stars-in-the-disturbing-new-trailer-for-satanic-999282
I’d keep this one off your resume…

Highlights: Some scenes could have actually worked, given proper atmosphere and a good story. Some of the hallway scenes and the establishing shots of the local satanic curio shop could actually be creepy.

Effects, at least practical ones, were okay looking ( Don’t do CGI if you don’t have the budget guys.. )

Recommendations: I struggle to find anyone who might watch this. As a B-Movie, it’s bland and not fun. As a Satanic movie, nothing really happens that’s all that frightening. As a film in general, it reeks of low quality control.

If you don’t mind wooden actors, a bad script, and boring bits, Netflix it. Don’t waste money on this thing.

I need a drink and pallate cleanser dear poppets, so next week, expect something… Sinister.

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4 thoughts on “Satanic: Levay Would Have a Field Day…

  1. Brutal. You don’t sugarcoat your opinions; I like it. I can tell you’re really into this movie genre! That passion makes it so much more fun to read. Although I’m not a horror fan, I’m looking forward to reading your ideas and reviews! Keep it up☠

    Liked by 1 person

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